Cockamamie
by 999Shikaku999
Summary: Orochimaru has fallen for Kisame. He is obsessed. Kisame doesn't seem too happy about it. Love and death are in the air. OrochimaruxKisame onesided oneshot


Just an idea I came up with, OrochimaruKisame, hope you enjoy ;)

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It was a beautiful sunny morning and a bird was singing its song happily flittering from tree to tree. It continued to sing as it perched itself on a branch not to far from the ground to eat some berries. It was as if the bird was determined to make sure everyone would wake up to enjoy this lovely morning.

Out of nowhere a huge sword was swung and the bird met its untimely demise, instantly crushed. A loud growl could be heard as the owner of the sword groggily got up. "Stupid bird." He muttered annoyed. "I hate mornings."

In the distance a loud squeal could be heard as someone came rushing towards said owner. Clutching his arm the individual continued to squeal.

He glared at the person who was intruding his personal space growling. "Let the hell go of my arm _Orochimaru_. You freak." His voice dripped with disdain.

"But… Kisame-kun…" Orochimaru said, batting his eyelashes, "I love you."

Kisame saw red. "THAT'S IT!!!" He roared as he unsheathed his sword and flung Orochimaru off his arm. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"

Luckily for Orochimaru he was able to dodge the first few blows but the last one hit him dead on. Bleeding he was thrown backwards by the force of the impact his flight abruptly stopped by a tree. Smiling brightly Orochimaru looked up at Kisame with hearts in his eyes. "You are so cool Kisame-kun."

"ARGH!!!" Deciding to leave the snake for what he was for now, Kisame left. "Dumb fuck."

"WAIT!!! MY LOVE!!! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!"

He cursed under his breath. "Why won't he just die? What have I done to deserve _this_?"

As he went back to the hideout Itachi smirked. "I take it Orochimaru found you?"

Kisame just glared.

Itachi poured himself some tea. "You know, you should be glad that you at least have a fan now, finally. Don't you like being popular?"

"I don't give a damn. Just give me a couple of people to kill and I'll be happy." Grabbing some food out of the cupboard sat down.

"It's a good thing you didn't really kill him. Leader wouldn't have been happy." Sipping his tea Itachi glanced at Kisame to see his reaction.

The shark snarled. "I know. That is the only reason why the bastard is still alive." Standing up suddenly he stalked off to his room, just before the door was opened.

Raising an eyebrow Itachi looked over at the battered figure stumbling through the doorway.

"Itachi-kun. Where did Kisame-kun go?"

"He went out."

"Oh." For a moment Orochimaru looked disappointed, and then his eyes shone with understanding. "He's playing hard to get, isn't he? He wants me to come find him. DON'T WORRY KISAME-KUN I'M COMING!!!" Taking off like a bat from hell he ran outside.

Itachi just sighed. 'And this is supposed to be the most dangerous group of criminals ever to have walked the earth.'

The next day…

"WHAT?!?!?! I'D RATHER DIE!!!"

Itachi just sighed again. "It's an order Kisame."

_(Flashback)_

"_Kisame, you have a new mission." _

_Grinning like a madman Kisame licked his lips. "When do I leave?"_

"_You're not doing this one alone." Bracing himself for Kisame's wrath Itachi sighed once again. Why did he always have to tell Kisame?_

"_You coming then?"_

"_No…" Itachi took a deep breath. "Orochimaru is accompanying you."_

"THEN I REFUSE THE MISSION!!! I AM NOT GOING WITH THAT CREEP!!!"

"Stop yelling Kisame. You don't have a choice. Besides… There is something else you might want to know. Leader wants you two to…"

Kisame narrowed his eyes. "He wants us to _what_…?"

"He wants you two to act as a couple." Then Itachi disappeared before Kisame could start his rampage. He may be very powerful, but Kisame was in the Akatsuki for a reason and a raging Kisame was not very good for one's health.

However no matter how angry the shark man was, an hour later he found himself accompanying the snake to Kanazawa to assassinate the Maeda clan. They had a specific bloodline that posed a threat to the Akatsuki.

Orochimaru was dressed in a green kimono matching his eyes. He had done up his hair and was currently hanging off of Kisame's arm.

Constantly shrugging him off Kisame continued to walk fast, ignoring the snake or more like trying to. His jaw was locked and his eyes narrowed with annoyance. It took him all of his self-control not to kill Orochimaru right there and then. His mood didn't get any better once they reached the town. And the antics of his 'partner' were attracting too much attention. Pulling his hat farther down Kisame went to look for a place to stay.

Orochimaru kept hissing and glaring at everyone who even dared to look at them. "He'sss mine."

Pushing the snake man into an alley he bared his teeth at him in a frightening glare.

"Oh Kisame-kun, are you sure you want to do it here?" Orochimaru giggled suggestively.

Placing his hand around Orochimaru's throat he lifted him off the ground. "Listen Orochimaru. You are attracting too much attention. Stop it or I will be forced to kill you as well."

Huffing Orochimaru pouted. "Fine."

Immediately Kisame dropped him as if he burnt his hand. Disgusted he spit on the ground before turning and walking off.

After finally finding them a room Kisame was furious when there was only ONE room left. But he dragged Orochimaru up, threw him in the bedroom and locked it. Satisfied he nodded and positioned himself on the couch.

_(Kisame's dream)_

_He came home where supper was being cooked. He smiled and put his sword next to the door taking off his shoes._

"_How did your mission go, love?" _

"_I missed you." Kisame admitted smirking._

"_I missed you too." Itachi smirked back._

_Their lips met in a passionate kiss._

_Suddenly Itachi started to lick his face and trailed down to his neck._

Shivering Kisame woke up to find Orochimaru on top of him. Shooting up he threw him off and stood up an evil look on his face. "You're a dead man Orochimaru."

As Orochimaru was half dead on the floor, Kisame went to get himself a glass of water. 'That was one weird dream.' He shuddered. 'I like females damn it. I'M NOT GAY!!!' His mouth opened and closed again. Shaking his head he jumped out of the window. Fading into the shadows he slowly stalked towards the residence of the Maeda clan. Laughing like a maniac he killed them all. Except for one.

Almost as if on cue Orochimaru appeared.

Opening his eyes Kisame glanced at her from the corner of his eye. She was no more than sixteen and his grin grew wider. 'I'll prove I'm not gay.' Quickly closing the distance between them he kissed her roughly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Orochimaru screeched, bawling his eyes out. "HOW DARE YOU???? YOU WHORE!!!"

Letting the girl go she screamed in fear and ran away. Her escape was prevented however when a raging Orochimaru attacked her and slapped her to death.

Observing the nearly comical scene Kisame shrugged as he left, heading back to the Akatsuki hideout. Mission completed. He almost felt like skipping.

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I honestly don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this. I just couldn't help myself.

The weirdest part is I don't even like yaoi that much. O.O oh well

Read & Review ;)

I really, really, really wanna know what you think

Oh and btw

Cockamamie: Something ridiculous, incredible or implausible. :P haha


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